CAREER!

ah =]

I love love LOVE school. This semester is possibly the greatest I've had in my life. Surely it beats kinder. I mean, I have friends now unlike then. (I know, how does a person manage to be friend-less in kindergarten? I was shy.) First grade was the shiz - I had my first crush, wrote my first little book. Second grade was an adventure. I think I started getting migraines then, stupid long-term sub. Third . . . hell, a book report every week. Fourth was good. Fifth was alright. Middle school was pathetic, though I did enjoy track. High school was grand. But NOW, now I look forward to going to school EVERY SINGLE DAY. Oh, not to mention back in August I was reacquainted with that first crush of mine, after not having seen him since first grade. Now, though, he's super hot and let's just say I'm quite attracted to him. It's a true bummer he doesn't (know if he) feel(s) the same way. Basically, though, school is awesome.

Home life = hectic. Very, very hectic. I hardly have time to do homework here, which is a bit of a pain. My brother's kids honestly will unlock my door and come play in the room when I'm trying to watch TV or study or sleep or whatever. As long as they're occupied nobody else will get involved. So four days a week I'm half eighteen-year-old college student/half chick who watches her brother's kids while he sits in the other room. It gets effing annoying but it's not going to change. He's getting lazy and he just doesn't get it. Oh well. Only like . . . at least a few more months of this. =/

WORK? Effing work. I don't really know. The job is completely unbearable, and not so bad at the same time. It depends on the day. I'm tired of working in food, though. Not to mention my acid reflux ish has been really bad lately so I can't even eat there without getting totally sick to my stomach and suffering heartburn. Oh, and I just don't get paid enough. Monday I'm going to apply at a bunch of hotels in town. If I get a job at one of them, and if I get the right job, I have the chance of making at least $400 every two weeks, which is basically more than I make in a month now. If that happens, I will move into Sarah's house, as in OUT of my house. Opportunity's knockin', kinda. I'm just gonna open the door.

Bwaha.

So, in short, I love school, home and work are kinda like hell most of the time, but I may be changing it all over the next couple of months.

Wewt.

When do I get closure?

Yesterday I came across a blog about a young woman who had finally found closure. I believe she said she had been in the relationship for a few years, and after being friends with her ex for quite some time she finally got the apology she needed. To her, I say congrats. And I'm a little jealous. Let me explain my situation.

I dated a guy for about four months total, with two short breaks. It may not seem like a long time, but seeing as I'm eighteen years old and was just out of high school, there was no reason for me to commit to something very long-term or serious previously, or even at that point. I really liked this guy, and I thought maybe I was starting to love him. Mind you, this was after four months and after being friends for awhile beforehand. So, naturally, I decided to tell him. I didn't expect him to say it back. Then again, I didn't expect him to dump me, saying "I just wanted to be with a girl I could have fun with." I came back with "You're right. I don't love you. My bad."

A short time passes, not even a week, and he says he made the wrong decision. I took him back without even a second thought, and things were just fine. We were talking every night on the phone for hours. I didn't see him much because he was working out of town, but that was okay. It seemed like we'd be fine. But things aren't always as they seem.

Maybe five days later I get really sick with strep throat, to where I can hardly talk and just moving my head hurt my entire throat and neck. He was out of town, as he often was over the summer, and just wanted to "talk" for a little while. I explained to him that I was seriously sick and I just wanted to get some sleep. I apologized and promised him we could talk when I was feeling better. He was, quite honestly, pretty horny and he just got mad at me. We fought and for a couple days we didn't talk, and then broke up again, with him saying something along the lines of "I don't like fighting, and I definitely don't think I should be fighting with some chick I just started seeing."

Ouch.

I saw a doctor and he decided it was a good time to operate, taking my tonsils out. I told my ex and he, of course, didn't apologize. He just said "That sucks. Feel better." I guess that's better than getting mad, huh?

Coming back to present time, we broke up nearly six months ago. Since then I've slept with him a few times, and we still see each other from time to time. Neither of us have slept with anyone else since, and neither of us has been in a relationship, though at one point we were both dating someone. It lasted two weeks, tops, for us both.

Over the past couple of months I've become interested in another guy who actually means a lot to me. I'd definitely choose him over my ex. He's a sweet guy and I really want to be with him, but I won't let it go anywhere until I know that I'm over my ex, for sure. This means if I'm lonely I won't go back to him. If I'm drunk I won't text him. If I'm upset I won't go stay at his house. Sure it was only four months, but I can't seem to let him go no matter what I do.

Over the past couple of months, my ex has also gone from just wanting me there for sex to genuinely caring again. He leaves messages. He asks about things he's never seemed to care about before. We talk, and actually communicate, like we never did before. Something about the way he's been acting, both in gerenal and toward me, tells me he's suddenly not as ready to let go as he used to be.

I wnt the closure. I want an apology for a) my ex getting mad that I wouldn't "talk" to him when I was sick, and b) for him referring to me as "some chick I just started seeing." However, I'm afraid that once I get this closure I also lose a guy who used to be a great friend. I have a hard time facing the fact that with this closure, I may be letting go of him forever. I have a hard time imagining my life without him in it, but I know he isn't the guy I want to be with. I also can't imagine letting him go when/if he isn't ready to let me go.

So here's my question: How do I get the closure I need and either keep him as a friend or become comfortable with losing him forever? Do I seek an apology from him? Or do I just have to find the closure within myself?

haunting clowns and piggish black cats

WELL,

Went to my high school's musical tonight. Grease was cute and fun and definitely a good time. After the musical we took my sister home and Cassie and I decided to go out. We went to the Safehouse, kinda chilled and ran into Kelsey. We talked to her for awhile and chilled some more. We started wondering about what was in the walls, the areas that looked like storage, and Cassie told me there was a clown in there about to jump out at me. I flipped out, then she said there was one hiding under my bed and I was nearly in tears. Clowns really are not my friends. So, I calmed down, we used the bathroom, then we decided to leave and we just drove around, as usual. We were going to go to a cheap movie but there was some police search going on all over the neighborhood so we decided against it. I just wasn't in the mood to die or get raped tonight. The genius in us says "The Loft, what's going on there?" So, we get as far as parking in the parking lot and I see a black cat. I start talking about how terrible the night was. Clowns and black cats. Gawd. The black cat is circling, kinda getting closer to the car when I see another freaking black cat jump out of the bushes. Coincidence? I think not. Not to mention the first one looked like it was seriously genetically altered - bobbed tail and really short legs that reminded me of a pig. So rather than staying, Cassie starts the car - after issues getting the key in the ignition - and we're once again driving, this time toward a safer area of town. We decide just to park and talk. No harm there. So we park by Chuck E. Cheese and talk for an hour and a half. I don't know about Cassie but that time definitely worked out some issues I was having. I like nights like these. But not the black cats and clown talk. That crap is not cool.

I'm going to check under my bed and in my closet.

Goodnight =]

instincts